Joshifer October 7, 2016 Share October 7, 2016 (edited) Figured I'd reach out to someone battling depression. I don't know who. But maybe they'll read this and try it. I suffer from a few mental disorders. Depression. Anxiety. Social anxiety. Child hood trauma due to bullying. The list goes on and on. I also suffer from physical handicaps. Scoliosis got so bad it popped my hips out of place. So I'm embarrassed to be around people as I feel like a freak even tho I look normal. Anyway. I got into this a few years ago. Had to move across country Which actually was for the better. But that caused me to sell everything. Anyway I came back to VA because I had to. (I don't like it here never did) and I began to spiral again. Found myself going back to old habits I gave up the whole time I was gone. Then the depression started again. The self hate. The grief. The telling myself "after all you've done these past 2 years all the sacrifices you made. Your right back where you started. It was all in vain" the beating myself up. Til ultimately fantasizing about ways of killing myself. I won't list the ideas I came up with but I'm creative. Those fantasies became an obsession. Morning noon and night they were all I thought about. Until I finally did it. Obviously that attempt didn't work. and I spoke of it to no one. So back to the obsessing I thought of nothing else. Hours would pass and they felt like moments. I lost a lot of weight as I would forget to eat I'd be so lost in my obsessing over my death. Then one day i went to buy some cigarettes and their was a Petco next to the market. So I went in because I was bored. Seeing the clownfish. The corals. The live rock. The organisms growing on the live rock. Sparked something in my mind. Relaxed me. Cleared my mind of those obsessive suicidal thoughts I had just moments ago. I went home. And spent days researching fish. Coral. Nitrogen cycles. Pretty much everything and anything. My aunt noticed that. And went out and purchased that fluval edge. Long story. Even longer cut short. It's been a few months now. And I haven't had a single thought of suicide. Or flash backs about the bullying. Or anything. (except that one mishap in a store not my fault) I spend my free time observing and monitoring my tank or reading about marine life. Instead of fantasizing about modding a nail gun for self harm. If your battling any mental issues. Please try this. The coral waving In the flow does something. It relaxes you. It shuts that tormenting voice up. If you have no regard for your own life. Theirs something about an innocent creature depending on you to keep it alive fed and happy. And that keeps you going. The waiting for corals to grow and expand and create this water garden is satisfying. You get some Kind of I don't know, happiness when something grows like "I did that. And I can't wait for it to get even bigger and cover this spot" it gives you something to look forward to. I'm not looking for people to say "oh your so brave for sharing that" honestly it isn't gonna get me anywhere. I'm just hoping someone battling depression comes across this in a Google search. And tries getting into this hobby. Or at least researching something else they find fascinating and getting into it. I'm alive now because of it and mostly by the Grace of God. -Josh Edited October 7, 2016 by Joshifer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshifer October 7, 2016 Author Share October 7, 2016 So ya. If I seem a little over eager. Or rushing things. Or ask so much questions. It's just. Marine life fascinates me. It always did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zygote2k October 7, 2016 Share October 7, 2016 FWIW, it would have been nice to have some back story on you before... now it's kinda understandable. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Origami October 7, 2016 Share October 7, 2016 FWIW, it would have been nice to have some back story on you before... now it's kinda understandable. Good luck. It takes time to develop the trust necessary to do that. **** Joshifer, not that it's terribly important in the grand scheme of things, but I'm proud of you for having the courage to talk more directly to this issue and to share your story in a direct way. You've alluded to the issues and demons in the past, but always only peripherally. I know that it took both trust and courage to not only give us a second try (after an absence), but also to open yourself up this way in this thread. There are a lot of good people here and, in my view, the core of WAMAS is a big and diverse family. The ones who have been here a while come from all walks of life and we often interract in different ways. But, I can tell you from experience with each and every one of them: They care about the hobby and they care about the hobbyist and helping them be successful in it. It's hard sometimes to not to read a "tone" into a post even though you may not know the person who wrote it. Social styles are just part of our diversity, and I hope that, with this extra trust, you become more accepting of that and feel less of an impulse to retract (like a hermit crab) if somebody offers a little provoking criticism from time to time. In my heart, I've always known this hobby was good for you; that it had therapeautic value. Your testimony reflects that. But, like so much in life, it's a balancing act. It doesn't take much sometimes to trigger a loss or even a collapse. And that can hurt when it happens. Part of WAMAS' mission is to educate and we do that by sharing our experiences, offering advice based on our experience and knowledge, and through our meetings. It helps anchor us in the hobby and as a group. I hope that, with this post and the trust that it represents, you'll join us at one of our meetings some time. It's a cool community to be a part of. Anyway, thanks for your story. I'm hopeful that it represents a step forward for you and that it, in its original spirit, helps others that battle daily with these challenges. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob A October 7, 2016 Share October 7, 2016 Josh, I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475861276&sr=8-1&keywords=radical+acceptance+by+tara+brach The author also has some free downloads on itunes that you can listen to. Her stuff is rooted in Buddhism but she talks a lot about how we are conditioned by society to beat ourselves up and seek perfection, etc. I don't want to get into a big religious thing, it's the principals that are helpful. You don't have to believe in anything mystic, just the principals that life is hard, wanting things creates suffering, we should live in the moment etc. It's very helpful for depression and anxiety. As for snarky responses from people, I don't like them either. I have seen some nasty comments on some other boards and one of the things I really like about this one is that people seem to care about each other. Not saying that I haven't seen people get snippy but I sometimes think it must be their personality and everyone is different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treesprite October 7, 2016 Share October 7, 2016 You traded an unhealthy obsession for a healthy one, which is very hard to do. Great job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnybv October 7, 2016 Share October 7, 2016 It has been scientifically proven that fish in general help provide a good mental state, calming and promote mental clarity and healing. We have many people that come home every evening and sit by their koi pond or fish tank to simply "decompress" and leave other stressors behind. That being said, you would think I am the calmest, most relaxed person around.....lol, just don't try and turn your passion into a business I guess. John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sen5241b October 8, 2016 Share October 8, 2016 Nature can have a very soothing, calming even healing effect on people and a coral reef is probably one of the most beautiful parts of nature. Having that cube of coral reef in your living room is absolutely therapeutic. I wish you well with your health issues Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sen5241b October 8, 2016 Share October 8, 2016 You may also wish to think about taking a vacation somewhere you can dive a coral reef like the Caribbean, Bonnaire or some place known for its reefs. Although the reefs in Costa Rica are not the best I saw some incredible corals there I've never seen in any tank. You could also drive to the Florida keys and see Looe Key. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treesprite October 9, 2016 Share October 9, 2016 Get a glider chair to put in front of your tank, then you will really be relaxed watching it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallreef October 9, 2016 Share October 9, 2016 I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share. We all have different reasons we got into fish/coral keeping, and most of us find it soothing in one way or another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zygote2k October 9, 2016 Share October 9, 2016 You want a free quarter sized RBTA? It's attached to a piece of branch rock with rooted dragons breath, 2 other types of macro, and some rainbow clove polyps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshifer October 9, 2016 Author Share October 9, 2016 You want a free quarter sized RBTA? It's attached to a piece of branch rock with rooted dragons breath, 2 other types of macro, and some rainbow clove polyps. I don't think I can have an anenome yet? Or maybe it's so small it shouldn't be a problem. Where are you located? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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