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Figured I'd reach out to someone battling depression. I don't know who. But maybe they'll read this and try it. I suffer from a few mental disorders. Depression. Anxiety. Social anxiety. Child hood trauma due to bullying. The list goes on and on. I also suffer from physical handicaps. Scoliosis got so bad it popped my hips out of place. So I'm embarrassed to be around people as I feel like a freak even tho I look normal. Anyway. I got into this a few years ago. Had to move across country Which actually was for the better. But that caused me to sell everything. Anyway I came back to VA because I had to. (I don't like it here never did) and I began to spiral again. Found myself going back to old habits I gave up the whole time I was gone. Then the depression started again. The self hate. The grief. The telling myself "after all you've done these past 2 years all the sacrifices you made. Your right back where you started. It was all in vain" the beating myself up. Til ultimately fantasizing about ways of killing myself. I won't list the ideas I came up with but I'm creative. Those fantasies became an obsession. Morning noon and night they were all I thought about. Until I finally did it. Obviously that attempt didn't work. and I spoke of it to no one. So back to the obsessing I thought of nothing else. Hours would pass and they felt like moments. I lost a lot of weight as I would forget to eat I'd be so lost in my obsessing over my death. Then one day i went to buy some cigarettes and their was a Petco next to the market. So I went in because I was bored. Seeing the clownfish. The corals. The live rock. The organisms growing on the live rock. Sparked something in my mind. Relaxed me. Cleared my mind of those obsessive suicidal thoughts I had just moments ago. I went home. And spent days researching fish. Coral. Nitrogen cycles. Pretty much everything and anything. My aunt noticed that. And went out and purchased that fluval edge. Long story. Even longer cut short. It's been a few months now. And I haven't had a single thought of suicide. Or flash backs about the bullying. Or anything. (except that one mishap in a store not my fault) I spend my free time observing and monitoring my tank or reading about marine life. Instead of fantasizing about modding a nail gun for self harm. If your battling any mental issues. Please try this. The coral waving In the flow does something. It relaxes you. It shuts that tormenting voice up. If you have no regard for your own life. Theirs something about an innocent creature depending on you to keep it alive fed and happy. And that keeps you going. The waiting for corals to grow and expand and create this water garden is satisfying. You get some Kind of I don't know, happiness when something grows like "I did that. And I can't wait for it to get even bigger and cover this spot" it gives you something to look forward to. I'm not looking for people to say "oh your so brave for sharing that" honestly it isn't gonna get me anywhere. I'm just hoping someone battling depression comes across this in a Google search. And tries getting into this hobby. Or at least researching something else they find fascinating and getting into it. I'm alive now because of it and mostly by the Grace of God. -Josh
